Let me begin by saying, finding yourself as you grow up, and trying to find your place in society is hard...really, really...really, really, hard. Maybe some people know from an early age why they are here and what they want to do with their lives. But this has not been my experience. Maybe some people just don't give a damn, and asking these questions is moot. These questions are extremely relevant for me. Discovering what I wanted to do with my life (from a career perspective) has been a winding, bumpy road. What I thought I wanted to do with my life, beginning as a child, has evolved, and continues to evolve. Searching for the truth, for myself, has been, and continues to be, a journey.
What is a career, anyway?
A rough definition for a career is: a job you do for a prolonged period in your life, presumably, for the majority of your working life. When I think about what a career means to me, I think a career is a job that you dedicate yourself to, one of your choosing, one you train for, go to school for, one where you start at the bottom, and work your way to the top. A career involves a profession. It includes a salary instead of a wage. It has benefits like vacation time, sick leave, and flexible hours. A career has a supervisor, middle management, executive leadership, corporate values, and a mission statement. You take ongoing training, receive regular updates from Human Resources, and occasionally, attend all-hands meetings.
My pursuit for a career began when I was young.
My first job was a paper route for the Contra Costa Times. In the days of my youth, this job was as a contract employee. You bought your papers which were delivered to your home -- you paid for them all even if you didn't use them -- and you paid for your own supplies (rubber bands, plastic bags, sack for papers). You collected the money for the subscriptions. You subtracted your costs from your earnings, and that was your income - sometimes, barely breaking even.
I worked throughout my youth and young adulthood. When I was in high school, I worked at my dad's glass shop. I was in charge of the (window) screen department, and I helped his business partner install windows. When I attended junior college, I worked many jobs. I worked at a golf course as a range attendant - essentially, I washed the golf carts, picked up balls of the driving range, and kept the range balls dispenser filled. I cleaned houses for a few weeks (very hard work actually), and I washed dishes at one of my favorite local restaurants. I was a server at Applebee's and at Outback Steakhouse as well - a job I think everyone should have (the lessons pertaining to dealing with stress and multitasking are invaluable).
The jobs I held during my youth served a valuable purpose in my pursuit for a career. Obviously these jobs provided income. But more importantly, these experiences were formative, they helped me identify important broad career characteristics. These jobs involved working outdoors, whether it was sunny or raining, hot or cold. For me, working outdoors being exposed to the ever changing elements was always very uncomfortable. I decided I wanted to work (primarily) indoors. These jobs were hourly, paid low wages, had irregular hours, and had no benefits. I wanted to be more comfortable and secure, and that involves earning a high wage, having a regular schedule, and benefits. The jobs didn't challenge me, they didn't require any advanced training or high level of skill. I realized I wanted a job to be challenge me, that that seems to required a college degree advanced job training. And most importantly, I wanted to do work I enjoy and value. I wanted to do work I wanted to do, work I would choose for the joy of it, for the value of it. Work that did something for society rather than just performing a routine function.
These jobs not only helped me identify qualities of a desirable career, but also valuable lessons about ethics.
The most valuable job ethic I learned was taught to me by my dad. The glass shop used a work order system that involved signing the work orders when the work was completed. One day, my father visited me in the screen department and explained the purpose of the signature on the work order. He said: "When you sign a work order, you are putting your name on that work. Your signature says you did that work. If you do work for someone, and they never meet you, what will they learn about you by the work you performed. What does that work say about you? Will they see someone who is competent? Someone who works hard? Someone who is has applied themselves and is good at what they do?" He has a philosophy that your work is a reflection of who you are, it says something about you. My dad believed that if someone is going to pay you to perform work for them, you should do the work to the best of your ability. He believed in giving people good value for their money, and being fair, even if fair meant a loss of profit. More importantly, he believed that his work represented him, that it was in fact, a piece of him. That message was really powerful. It speaks to who he is as a person. That lesson spoke to me. Not only did it help me understand one aspect of who my father is, but it also instilled within me a belief that I should work hard, and work to benefit those who have hired me.
My journey to find a career began when I was in elementary school.
The first career I ever wanted was to be a veterinarian. In time, I learned that at various points, veterinarians work with animals who are experiencing pain and suffering. This idea wasn't palatable and my desire to be a vet diminished. By forth grade, my career aspirations shifted to electrical engineering. I had a strong desire to work with computers and electronics. In high school, I found a love for audio and music. I installed the stereo in my car, and even designed and built speaker enclosures for sub-woofers. This passion caused me to strive to be an electrical engineer with a focus on audio engineering. I wanted to start my own company that designed high fidelity audio equipment and even had a name for my company: Iridescence.
Ironically, when I was in junior high, my sister began dating my now brother-in-law who studied and became an electrical engineer. I idolized him. He is brilliant. He has been incredibly successful in his career. When I was in junior college, I dreamed of going to the college he attended: California Polytechnic State University, aka Cal Poly. My sister arranged trips for us to go visit the school and I loved those trips.
Self confidence is a bitch...
When I was a student in my classical physics class, I had an amazing professor: Ohsri Karmon. He is a great teacher. One day, while attending his office hour and getting help with the material, I asked him if he thought I would be a good engineer. His response: "You are one of the most methodical students I've ever had." I interpreted that to be a no, but a kindhearted no. That opinion carried a LOT of weight.
I struggled with my studies. I was never at the top of the class, more middle of the class, and I had some very poignant moments where I failed in my studies which undermined my confidence that I would be a good engineer. In my classical physics class, I found my first graded midterm, on the floor of the lab room. It wasn't returned to me directly. I found it on the floor, trampled. It was a score of 4 / 30. An F. A big fat F. Not an "f," but an "F." And worst of all, it wasn't even returned to me in person, to preserve my dignity. Instead, it was somehow lost, and discovered on the floor, trampled. It was disheartening.
While attending junior college, my brother-in-law used to test me to see if I was learning the material and to assess my competence. Unfortunately, I usually failed these tests (miserably). He once asked me "What is the inverse of time?" It was sort of esoteric, but relevant to electrical engineering. I didn't know, which was heart breaking because I so desperately wanted his approval, validation that I would be a good engineer. The answer: Hertz, the measurement of frequency (cycles per second). It was such an elementary question, and I didn't know it.
About a year later, my brother-in-law invited me to go with him on a trip to Cal Poly. This trip was equal parts a trip to reminisce about his college days and to give me a tour of the city and college. On our first night there, he took me to a famous steakhouse, McClintocks - still a legendary place for him. While at dinner, I asked him if he thought I would make a good engineer. He responded by saying I am one of the most conscientious people he's ever known. Not only did I interpret that to be a no, but to add insult to injury, I didn't even know what conscientious meant and was too embarrassed to ask. His opinion meant everything to me. Not receiving his approval was devastating.
These failures, coupled with a general lack of self confidence, caused me to question if I was capable of being a successful engineer. And I didn't want to be a hack. I wanted to be good, effective, valuable, successful.
That night at McClintocks Steakhouse was pivotal.
Ultimately, believing Mr. Karmon and my idolized brother-in-law had both suggested I was not going to be a good electrical engineer, led to me abandon a dream I held since elementary school, to stop pursuing a career in electrical engineering. It meant abandoning my dreams of attending Cal Poly (I applied and was accepted). It meant I didn't have a course forward in life, which for me, was a very scary place to be (I'm a planner). If you've ever felt the prolonged sensation of falling, that's how my whole life felt - like I was falling in an endless pit in the dark, no direction, no idea what I was going to do or where I was going.
It was time for a new direction.
After a lot of soul searching, I decided I was going to pursue meteorology. And thanks to some sage advice by another teacher, I applied to and ended up attending the University of Oklahoma. I decided to follow my heart and another passion, the weather. This was good, I had direction, I was following my heart toward a career in the world of weather as a meteorologist, and all was well. Except one thing, I had no idea what I wanted to do in meteorology. In electrical engineering, I had this all figured out, I knew what I wanted to do. But with meteorology, the path forward wasn't clear. I only knew I was pursuing a course of study in a topic I really enjoyed.
Another significant F (this time, for Fujita).
On May 8, 2003, the path forward in my life became clear. While studying for finals, my weather radio alerted me to the issuance of a Tornado Warning for my area. Eager to see my first tornado, I naively headed toward the storm, camera and weather radio in hand. I ended up at an abandoned gas station. What happened next changed my life forever. The storm produced an F-3 tornado (later an F-4) about a quarter mile away from me that was headed right at me. I fled the gas station as I I believed I was in the path of the tornado, and I wisely found a path away from the tornado. It was a path that brought me to where the tornado's path of destruction. I witnessed the immediate aftermath of the tornado in a sequence likened to slow motion in a movie. I was there even before first responders arrived. I observed the destructive power of nature first hand and felt an unbelievable sense of purpose. I wanted to do something that helped these people whose lives had been destroyed. It was in that moment that I decided I wanted to be an Emergency Manager. I wanted to work for FEMA - the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
All of the pieces of the career puzzle now created a clear picture. I was going to be an Emergency Manager. Emergency management ticked all the boxes for my desired generic job characteristics: indoor job, a (good) salary, steady schedule / 8-5, benefits, advancement potential, and challenging work. It also fulfilled my desire to do work I believed in, work that had meaning and purpose, work I would enjoy, work that mattered.
Following that fateful day on May 8, 2003, I searched intently and ended up being hired as a Disaster Reservist with FEMA. 18 months later, I applied for a job with the Georgia Emergency Management Agency as the state Hurricane Program Manager and left grad school to pursue this position. After seven years in Georgia, I returned to the West Coast and found work in Emergency Management with Washington County in Oregon.
No road is ever perpetually smooth...
My journey from Moore, Oklahoma on May 8, 2003 to now has resulted in a very productive career with numerous achievements and some personal prestige. But my journey has also included tremendous failures and unbelievably difficult decisions about my life. After all, who after 14 years in a career can't say that? But I'm at a point in my career where I would say I'm having a mid career crisis - the job equivalent of a mid life crisis, I guess. Once again, I find myself questioning my worth and competence. Doesn't this strangely sound familiar?
Let's recap for a moment.
In elementary school, I formed a strong opinion about what I wanted to do for a career. I wanted to be an electrical engineer. I pursued this goal by setting a trajectory toward a school that has one of the best programs for electrical engineering in California. I was literally days from moving to this school and continuing my pursuit of this goal when my deep rooted fears about my lack of abilities caused me to change course. Ultimately, I felt I would fail at this career, that I wasn't good enough to be an accomplished engineer. Now, I question my worth as an emergency manager and the questions I'm asking are helping me to refine what I want out of a career and what led me to the career I'm in now. I think that it's really important to have clarity about your goals, about what matters, if you wish to ever accomplish your goals. And I think it's important to periodically spend some time evaluating where you have been and where you are headed.
For starters, where am I now? Well, I'm an entry level emergency manager after 14 years in the field. I've applied for advanced positions three times and been unsuccessful. And I see this as fueling my fears about my competence. This is causing me to ask questions about what I really want out of a career. Did I choose the right career? Or not? How do I know? I feel like this should be obvious, that in-depth inquiry shouldn't be needed here. But I remain -- after 14 years in my career -- unsure.
How have all of these job and career experiences helped shape what I want out of a career? Here's what I know so far:
I want stability. I want to know that I will sustain employment long enough to gather enough wealth to retire. I want regular hours, ones that give me time with my family, friends, life. I think I want an 8-5 job because that feels very regular and stable, but I think I would be open to working other hours or more irregular hours if I really loved what I did. Ultimately, I think I just want some assurance that I will make it to retirement with enough money saved. I want to know I'll make it.
I want passion and joy. I want to do work I love and really believe in. I believed I would find this as an emergency manager, and after 14 years, I don't think I have found this. I do enjoy my job, I believe my job has some value, and I believe in public service. But I don't have passion. I don't think about my job much outside of my working hours. I don't study the core principles or leading edge research in my field very often, I don't talk about my job much with others. I enjoy my job, it's a really great job, but it's sole purpose is to earn money to sustain my life. Let's put it this way, if I were independently wealthy, I would quit my job. I would not do this job for free, I would not do this job if I didn't need money, even though it's a really great job.
I want to be good at my work. In fact, I'd like to be really good. I don't want to be good to feed my ego. I just want to attain a high level of skill, and perform my job as well as I am capable of doing because I feel that is the right way to approach work. And I would love to be so good that I actually advance my field and make lasting contributions. I am definitely not doing this now, at least, I don't feel that I am. I feel I am doing moderately good work, but I'm not an expert. In fact, most days, I feel like a total idiot in my profession. I am not doing new work that is contributing to my field, I'm not seen as an expert, and at time, I make bad decisions and feel just dumb. And I feel this way despite working in this field for 14 years. I want to believe that people with 14 years experience should be really good at their work, but I just feel adequate.
I want to do work that makes the world a better place. I have a strong sense of purpose in life that seeks to bring joy and happiness into the lives of the people who become a part of my life. I want to leave the world a better place than the one I was born into. I want to touch the lives of people in a positive way, even inspire people. I want to teach people, and contribute to their lives. I want to do something that is impactful and meaningful and lasting. I feel like my work has little value to the world at large. I thought that emergency management would offer me opportunities to help people, even that by my efforts to prepare people for disasters, that one day, my work would save a life (lives). I really don't feel that I've achieved that goal.
I want to work because I choose to. I don't want my work to be a necessity. I want to work because of the value of the work, not because it yields an income that I depend upon.
I want freedom. I want stability in my job, but I want to be able to leave my work when I want so I can enjoy my family, travel, see friends, visit amazing places with my wife, see and experience the world. I don't want to be so tied to my job that I can't leave when I want and I don't have the financial means to seek new experiences.
I want a variety of experiences. I think it would be great to dedicate myself to one area of work, then be inspired by something else and transition to working in that area. I think it would be amazing to spend a few years in many areas of work.
I want to be in control of my work. I don't mind working for someone, but ultimately, I would like to have final say in my work, the structure of it, my hours, my work tasks. As of now, I depend on my job and I hate depending on my job. If someone in power above me decides they don't like me anymore, I can be fired. Because I depend on my job from a financial perspective, the disruption losing my job would cause would bring a great amount of pain and suffering to my life, and now my family. I don't like knowing someone else has control over me and my financial well being. I don't like that control. I would prefer to be fully responsible for my future and my work, and to know that only I can cause failure in my life. This ties in to stability, as mentioned above.
I want to work with amazing people. I love working with people who are incredible at what they do. I believe that by surrounding yourself with amazing people, it elevates yourself. And it's inspiring to see people thriving. It's inspiring to see people apply themselves and achieve greatness. I work with people now who are amazing at emergency management and it is wonderful to be around people who are so capable. I also want to be extremely capable, but I don't feel that I am and after working 14 years and not feeling this way, it is sort of soul crushing. Not being amazing at my work undermines my belief that my work is stable and secure. And, I just want to achieve my full potential, and I now question if the skill set needed for this job aligns with whatever my highest level of skill and talent is.
I want honesty and integrity in my work. In my work experiences, I've seen dishonesty and politics serve organizations in negative ways. I've seen people act in ways that are self-serving. I've been lied to, and have been deceived. I want to conduct my work honestly, openly, and with integrity. I don't believe in a wage gap that is rooted in gender and race. I believe people should be compensated for their work, based on the quality and level of their work. I want to work in ways that are beneficial, serve a greater good, and treat people fairly. And I want to be treated fairly. Most of my work experience has offered me this, which I cherish.
Well, at this point, I certainly have no clue what job / work / career meets the above criteria as the career for the rest of my life. But I do know I'm open to it, in whatever form it may take. Until then, I dream, I fear, I question, I work hard, I stay the current trajectory, and I keep an open mind, and an open heart. I fill my life with as much love as I can, and I continue to hope.
