Stuck in the Horse Latitudes of Love

I am single. I am 35. And I am divorced. I have to mention that because all the forms I fill out these days ask for that information. I’m not sure why “single” or “married” is insufficient, as if they need to know that I have had a major failure in my relationship life, and somehow, that is information they need to process my application for a Costco membership, but they all seem to want to know if I’ve been successful in my dating life. It’s relevant to Costco.

I’m a single, white, mid-30s man, who is a long way down the road of my relationship life, beginning to wonder what it’s all about. Not sure why it’s taken almost 20 years / more than half my life to begin asking “why,” but it has. I guess because ever since I was a young lad, I had a clear path forward for my relationship life: I would find my soul mate, we would marry young, you know, like “I have a lot of maturing to do” young, and we would have children, the house with the dog in the yard, you know, the “American Dream.” This vision was not only clear to me, but carried with it the emotional inertia of a coal hauling freight train. That is to say, it wasn’t just something I thought I wanted or believed I should do because that’s what people do in America, it was something I really really wanted. So, I guess because of that, I never really questioned it.

Until now.

I’ve been on this quest for a soul mate for 20 years, one that has included one night stands, casual dates, casual relationships, serious long-term relationships, and marriage. And after 20 years of searching, I’m where I began: single and alone. After 20 years of searching, I’m starting to ask some questions I’ve never asked before, or even thought to ask. Questions like: Do I really want to be married (again)? Is staying single a more rewarding path forward? Is the single life the one I’m destined for and pursuit of a partner futile? Why do people get married anyway? Is long-term sustainable happiness even possible? And, if I’m “destined” for marriage and kids, why is that life so damn hard to find?

I should add to the mix that I believe in a higher power. I don’t believe in the Christian view of God, you know, repent you sins or burn in hell for the rest of time. That doesn’t make sense to me. But I do believe there is a something more to the universe than us. And I believe we interact with that higher power, that it offers us guidance, guidance that is intended to direct us toward life goals and growth we came onto earth to accomplish. And I believe that this “guidance” towards our goals forms a “path of least resistance.” When we are on the right path, things fall into place with relative ease. When we are attempting to follow a path away from our goals, things are a struggle, like trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

For me, a logical extension of this philosophy applies to finding my soul mate: if I am indeed intended to find her, and have a family, then things should fall into place with some ease; conversely, if I’m not meant to find her and not have children, then all efforts should lead right to the John Crapper.

This protracted and unsuccessful search has forced some considerable introspection and caused me to ask a tough question: Is there a soul mate in my future? I’m starting to wonder because I’ve spent a damn long time seeking her out, and I’ve only come up with a long path of failed relationships. That dream of finding her and having children while young, and growing and maturing with her, I must now concede, is gone. I’m not an old man, but I’m not a spring chicken either. I am, after all, reaching the age where I complain about my aches and pains and listen to NPR more often that I listen to trendy music. So, that dream is gone. It’s just a function of my age and the maturing I’ve already done.

And now I find myself asking if I need to continue to hold on to the idea that I could have her, my her, or just let go of that dream entirely and move onward into my future, alone. As a single guy. As a guy who always picks the TV program, always picks the restaurant, and generally doesn’t care if I have something in my teeth. In other words, do I give up on this dream? After all, a man can only dream a dream so many times.

Which leads to my next questions: Why do people do it? Why do people seek love? Why do people get married and commit their lives to one another? Why? I was always that kid that asked “Why mommy, why?” As you can tell. It’s why I’m a scientist. People who ask “why” a lot make great scientists. But I’m really struggling with the concept of long-term sustainable love, and wondering if it is even possible. Frankly, if it were not for my parents who are happily celebrating their 50-year wedding anniversary this year, I would probably not even be wondering. And 50-years together is NOT why I believe this. It’s because I watched my parents be in love all those years. Random hugs and kisses in the kitchen, them talking for hours while lying in bed on a Saturday morning, every Saturday, for years.

So, it’s not that I doubt that long-term sustainable love is possible, it’s just that my observations of so many couples have led me to believe my parents are a Hope Diamond, a statistical anomaly, a true one-in-a-million. One of the observations I’ve made, which I hope is completely false, is that the vast majority of long-term married couples (10+ years) are not “in love” anymore. Love each other? Most of the time. “In love?” Almost never. These couples are often the ones you see at dinner at a restaurant, just staring at each other or their phones or tablets, with nothing to say. They are the couples that arrive at a party, almost immediately split up, and then return to each other when they are ready to leave, having spent almost no time together the entire evening. A stronger clue for me, that someone is in a comfortable relationship, or even a bad on, is that they complain about their partners, sometimes publically, before complimenting them, if they even compliment them at all. I agree that you never know what happens behind closed doors, but that to me is a strong indicator about what’s going on behind closed doors.

And the sex. What happens to sex in a long-term relationship? I used to wonder why non-married guys bragged about their sex lives with their girlfriends and married guys seldom did, if ever. I used to think it was because married guys were being respectful of their partner and honoring the sanctity of their marriage. Nope. It’s usually because there is nothing to brag about. What guy wants to brag to his buddies about a 10 minute Saturday morning quickie? Is long-term attraction and fulfilling love making with their partner an impossible dream? What is a healthy expectation for a long-term relationship?

There seems to be a common progression for marriage, from my perspective. You fall in love, that person becomes your everything, you get married, have children, and 10 years later, you are bored, comfortable, you let yourself go, and are just getting by. Is this because I have not found my soul mate and I don’t know what it’s like to have that life-long partner that brings a deep level of fulfillment to my life? Perhaps. Is the concept of a deeply rewarding and joyful relationship an idealistic concoction of a lonely heart? Perhaps. But my observations have been that very few couples are still “in love” after 10 years of marriage and I strongly fear that outcome in my life.  

There are couples that give me hope. A couple from my Lions Club in Georgia celebrated their XX years of marriage together before I left (something like 50 years or so). They had a party for friends and family at a local community center to celebrate their anniversary, and the woman when addressing the room full of people during their “Thank you for coming” speech, said something about her husband that I will never forget, something that led me to believe that this dream of life-long happiness is possible: she said “…even when we are at a party, and he is in the same room, across the room, talking to other people, just hearing his voice, just hearing his laugh, makes me feel complete, knowing he is there.” She then cried and grabbed her husband and lovingly kissed him. Those two people, despite their occasional typical-married-couple bickering, found the real deal: true love. Those two people are still totally in love. They still look across the room and see their partner, and feel a sense of peace, a sense that their lives are complete, and a deep admiration for their partner.

As a scientist, I have to geek out and think about the numbers. What is the statistical probability that I will actually find that person who makes me feel the way the Lions Club couple feels when I’m 80? It must be a damn small number, because the vast majority of couples I observe are more like marriage survivors. They are just getting by. They don’t look adoringly at their partners from across the room anymore. They don’t have random encounters in the kitchen where they hug and kiss and say sweet things to one another. They complain about their partners, even publically, and even worse, cheat.

Why this cheating btw? Why? More of me asking why. I just don’t understand this behavior at all. If you are not happy at home with your partner, enough to go seek out someone else and take them back to your hotel room or office or wherever, and cheat, why don’t you just fucking leave your partner and move on first? Why this destructive hurtful behavior? You can, after all, just break up and move on. There are no iron shackles holding you two together. But people are just outright hurtful to their partners. This is the risk we take when we give our precious tender hearts to another. We risk them just tearing it up. And in America today, it seems all too common.

Why do this? Why seek love when the most common modality is a love destined to evolve into a friendship, or worse. Why do this when the prospect of long-term-sustainable happiness is such a minute statistical probability? The 50-year-happiness-marriage seems to be a six sigma relationship. I’ll tell ya, whoever said love is deaf, blind, and stupid hit the mark dead on. Because no matter how many reasons I fabricate to justify giving up, there is this thing that prevents me from doing it: my damn weathered, beaten, stomped on heart. It just keeps on beating. The desire for the six sigma relationship drives me. It’s a desire that never leaves, no matter how much pain I have, no matter how beaten down from a failed marriage, no matter how many times I’ve been cheated on, no matter how many times my partner has punched me in the face, it … just … keeps … beating. The desire to have a soul mate, and children, never leaves me.

I know this because I’m writing this.

It’s a strange thing love is. My need to have closeness and love with my soul mate is sooooo deeply rooted and sooooo powerful, it keeps my heart beating no matter how many times my partner has cheated on me, or punched me in the face, or lied to me, or done any countless other hurtful things. It keeps me coming back for more, endlessly. It didn’t keep me married. LOL But it keeps me looking for "her."

And this is going to sound crazy, but who gives a fuck, this is my blog and I’ll write crazy shit if I want to. LOL I keep seeing “her.” I don’t really know how to convey this thing that happens other than to give an example.

Recently, I was on a work trip to Emmetsburg, MD. Three coworkers and I stopped in Fredrick on our way to Emmitsburg for dinner. It’s a beautiful historical city and we decided to walk around a bit to see the city. Photo album here: https://plus.google.com/photos/113395078611575176797/albums/6004797522690032977?banner=pwa Just about the time I snapped the following picture, I saw her. 

She was walking down the street with some friends, wearing a sun dress. She was not by any means a super model, but beautiful to me. She didn’t stand out in any way from a 100 other women I saw that day. But there was this vibe, this feeling I had about her, like she was “the one.” Of course she isn’t, but something about her gave me that feeling, like that woman exists and is out there somewhere. I don’t really know how to explain what that feeling is, it’s just like “that’s her, right there” when I know it isn’t. It’s like God, or whatever you call a higher power, if you believe in that thing, is telling me that she is out there, she is perfect, and don’t give up. And for just about five seconds, that higher power is going to give me a feeling that makes me feel like I’ve already found her, but just for about five seconds.

So now I find myself in this strange place. After a string of horrible train wrecks of women that have been my “post-divorce dating life,” I’m wondering if she is out there, being bitter about not having found her yet, wondering if finding her is part of my journey in this life, and wondering if I’m just a bit too long in the tooth for children. I’m questioning the very meaning of love, the probability that I can still have that dream of a soul mate and children, and wondering if I should give up and relent to a life of a single man.

For the moment, I’ve given up on my quest for love to seek answers to these questions. I’m stuck in the horse latitudes of love. Not moving. Still. A quiescent atmosphere surrounds me. My ship, just sitting in a vast open ocean, with no wind in my sails. There are no ships on the horizon. Just me. Not making progress in any direction. Not moving toward love. Not moving away from it. Just sitting there. Waiting for satori to strike me. Just waiting.

The worst part about the horse latitudes of love is that I don’t know which direction to go in, even if I could conjure wind for my sails. Is love a part of my future? Or have I spent 20 years dating, seeking love, when it was never “God’s plan” for me. Am I meant to be single? No children and grandchildren around the Thanksgiving table? No family holding my hand while at my death bedside? I just want satori. I want to know if I’m wasting my time seeking love. And unfortunately, all I can do is stand on the deck of my ship, in this vast empty ocean, peering through my captains spyglass, seeking answers, seeking resolution, trying to figure out what course to take, while stuck in the horse latitudes of love.